Fix or Fire? A House Manager’s Guide to Coaching Problem Staff

You know the type…

The team member who won’t collaborate.
Always “too busy” to pitch in.
They act like their job matters more than everyone else’s.

If you’ve worked in private service for any length of time, you’ve met them.

Let’s dive into how to coach the uncoachable, or let them go.

Jumping straight to termination is tempting, but it’s lazy leadership. True leadership means offering a clear, documented path toward improvement and eventual competency, or saying goodbye.

I’ll walk you through my step-by-step process to assess whether a staff member can — and should — be coached, or whether it’s time to part ways.

There’s often one team member who resists training, won’t help others, and acts like collaboration is beneath them. Sound familiar? They’re the first to say: “That’s not my job.”

Let’s start with the biggest misconception: 

That one team member’s role is more important than the others.

The truth? 

No matter how well they perform their job, it takes a highly trained team to provide world-class service. 

Let me tell you about Joe.

Joe is the Martins’ private chef — a talented one. He’s been with the family for two years, and everyone adores his food. His kombucha is fizzy perfection, his kimchi has just the right tang, and his rosemary grapefruit syrup has become a staple for summer cocktails on the terrace. Guests rave, and the family sings his praises.

But here’s the part the family doesn’t understand. 

Joe feels constantly stretched. Despite the Martins’ relatively simple food preferences — DIY breakfasts and light lunches — he believes his culinary creations require uninterrupted focus. Shopping for fresh ingredients, fermenting jars of seasonal condiments, and crafting flavor infusions are priorities in his mind. So much so that he flat-out refuses to go to the local farmer’s market because it falls on a Saturday — his designated day off unless an event is planned.

And while the rest of the team regularly picks up slack in his absence — whipping up basic meals or managing food delivery when Joe’s on PTO — Joe himself won’t return the favor. If the Housekeeper needs time off, Joe’s response? “Not my job.” If the handyman calls in sick, he refuses to roll the trash cans to the curb on Thursdays. Joe shrugs and continues with his daily responsibilities.

To make matters worse, Joe refuses to participate in even the most basic administrative duties. There are no standard operating procedures, principal’s allergen lists, or shared documents for Easter menu family favorites. Amy, the House Manager, has asked repeatedly, but Joe insists this information is “proprietary.” Never mind that most of the recipes came from the previous chef or that he’s a salaried employee whose role is technically part of a team.

And yet — he’s asking for a raise!

What the family doesn’t know:

The rest of the staff feel frustrated and unsupported. And Amy is stuck. Joe’s job description is vague. There’s no formal policy on teamwork. And she doesn’t feel empowered to discipline him. However, the worst part is that he acts as if he is untouchable.

This is a very coachable situation. I’ll show you how to keep one toxic teammate from spoiling the entire staff dynamic.

No matter how good the kombucha is — a fractured team leaves a sour taste.

Homeowners recognize the importance of staff collaboration. However, they also acknowledge the challenge of finding a private chef who reliably arrives on time, provides excellent meals, and does not embarrass them during formal events. Homeowners want reliable, polished staff who represent their household well, and Joe’s position is more visible when guests are present than the rest of the team.

But if they ignore internal dysfunction, they risk:

• High turnover

• Burnout among collaborative team members

• A culture where mediocrity is tolerated

Amy sees what’s happening. But without documented expectations, performance metrics, or the family’s support, her hands are tied.

Before jumping to dismissal, ask yourself:

• Can he be coached?

• Should he be?

Here’s my proven framework for assessing — and addressing — challenging household staff behavior:
6 STEPS TO COACH OR LET GO

1. Start with the Job Description

Ensure that everyone’s job description (JD) includes expectations for collaboration, communication, and flexibility. Everyone on your team must understand that they’re part of a high-functioning unit — not working in a silo.

2. Issue a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU)

Document the “unwritten rules” of your household. 

Include:

• Required collaboration and cross-training

• Communication standards

• Attitude and presence expectations

• A non-aggression policy and conflict resolution procedure

• Any other service details that the staff must understand

3. Create a Success Plan for All

Develop a 30- to 90-day Success Plan for each team member and update it quarterly. This avoids singling anyone out and sets a standard of growth and accountability. Identify specific areas that need improvement and establish goals with clear deadlines.

Joe’s goals could be:

• Documenting kitchen Standard Operating Procedures (SOPs), recipes, and principal food and beverage preferences

• Creating a preferred grocery shopping list and pantry inventory

• Getting a food handler’s certificate

This outlines clear expectations for Joe and informs him of what he will be held accountable for.

Celebrate wins. Recognize progress. But if deadlines are missed, document them (see step 5).

Don’t want to start from scratch? We’ve got you covered!

4. Hold Regular Check-Ins

Don’t let “I’m too busy” be an excuse. Meet regularly one-on-one. Discuss goals, address concerns, and clarify expectations.

Always follow up with a summary email that documents key takeaways and any missed commitments, and require an acknowledgment to confirm the staff member received the message.

5. Initiate Formal Discipline if Needed

If there’s no progress, issue a written warning. Be specific about:

• Behaviors that must change

• The timeline for improvement

• Consequences if changes aren’t made

Deliver this document in person, have them sign it, and keep a signed copy in their secure HR files. In our hypothetical example, Amy will need this type of support if she recommends Joe’s termination. She must prove that Joe’s employment here undermines the service she can provide to the family. 

6. Terminate if Needed

If behavior doesn’t improve, termination may be necessary. However, it’s now a fair and well-documented process.

Skipping these steps often leads to costly severance, legal exposure, and resentment. Giving someone like Joe a structured opportunity to improve is the right — and strategic — thing to do.

You can’t build a world-class household team around a single high performer who won’t collaborate.

Leadership means setting clear expectations, documenting accountability, and knowing when to draw the line.